Have you found yourself eternally brave and motivated in some situations, yet shrinking and hiding in others? I have. It’s very inconvenient and annoying. It used to be devastating, but now I recognize it as my own brand of “resilience”.
I’ve tried to move the needle on my resillience level. I’ve read books to overcome my “stuck-ed-ness”, watched endless webinars, gone to seminars, deliberated quietly, journalled …
Why is it that I can jump up and deliver when others can’t, and yet, when I try to summon the same courage in another situation that is less demanding, I am frozen?
Life leaves clues.
A lifetime ago, I was a sngle mom, looking to change my career. I needed to earn more money. There was an ad in the paper (yes … this was a lifetime ago) looking for a sales person for a diamond store. Base plus commission … I imagined the commission on diamonds was fairly decent, so I applied.
After the initial interview, I was placed in a room where I completed various competency, critical thinking and personality tests. I emerged and waited expectantly for my results to be reviewed. Finally I was pulled in for the final stage of the interview. The man on the other side of the desk leaned back in his chair, results in hand, smug look on his face, drew in a boss-like breath and said “Well … you scored really high on every area of your tests, except for one. You lack resilience.”
“What? What does that mean?”
“It means” he continued condescendingly “that if a potential buyer decided to leave without making a purchase, you’d let them.”
“Oh. Well, every one has a free will. If they really want to buy, they’ll be back.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t hire you. This is a competetive industry. I need someone who is highly resilient.”
Resilient … That word plagued me. I was very resilient … sometimes.
I started paying closer attention, noticing where my resilience showed up, and where it disappeared. WHY could I be so persistent and brave in some situations, yet stuck, frozen, hiding in others? Why could I continue to ask for what I wanted in compelling ways some of the time, and resign myself to the status quot almost fatalistically the rest of the time?
I don’t know how 9-11 hit you, but the Fall of 2001 was a dark, dark time in my world. I watched my income go from a potential 6 figures that year, to a small, slow downward spiral. I could not ask for a sale. I couldn’t have sold a jacket to a freezing cold person in an ice storm. I was stuck. The more I pushed myself to step up, the more stuck I became. Those smug words from that fateful interview came back to haunt me “You lack resilience.”
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for sales. I changed gears, switched careers, got into something more “secure” to catch my breath and recover. I went back to my accounting background and crunched numbers, job I had vowed never to do again.
Was I doomed to this kind of life forever?
In a panick I invested in “gurus” who promised a solution. I tried everything from affirmations and positive thinking, envisioning the end result I wanted to achieve, meditation and yoga, nlp, even tapping! I raided amazon.ca for answers. None of them worked for me.
After jumping careers a few times, I looked back on my path. There was a pattern. It wasn’t WHAT I was doing that propelled me forward or froze me in place. It was WHY I was doing it.
I proceeded to go to work on crafy “WHY” statements to trick my brain into self-motivating. Unfortunately, my brain was a lot smarter than the willful side of me. I tried re-programming my subconscious mind through programs that promised I would be more brave, see greater opportunities, be more … yes … resillient. Each time I tried to move the needle on my resilience, I failed.
… or so I thought.
I’d forgotten how resillient I could be in certain situations. My life was leaving clues that I choose to ignore.
I had the answer already. It was one assessment I’d taken, and NOT the one on resillience. It was actually my Core Values.
If you’ve taken values assessments before you are probably rolling your eyes. The one I took was not one of those weighless, subjective, “feel good” assessments. The one I took had only 21 values that are at the core of anything you could ever consider a value. Taking this assessment transported me in a flash to a moment in the 3rd grade. It was the moment I came face to face with myself. There I was in my little desk, pencil hovering above paper, stuck, shaking, sweating, frozen. In one art project, all 7 of what I now know are my top core values, were pitted against eachother in an all out war! I put my pencil down and, in just two short minutes, unfroze myself by reconciling what I didn’t realized were my top three core values with eachother and telling the other 4 very important core values to take a back seat. I was a kid. It was instinctual. I managed to finish the task without imploding. It was a simple art project. No one else was stuck; just me. What the heck??? What was wrong with me? I shoved the experience to the back of my mind in a drawer labelled “Unpleasant” and moved on with the task of growing up.
Resilience is easy when all my core values are pulling in the same direction and I’m completely authentic. It grows smaller based on the number of my top core values that are compromised.
The diamond store? Well, I DEVALUE the need for “Wealth”, and I deeply value the need for “Honesty” and “Cooperation”. I did not have the killer instinct that would pressure a young couple to spend money they did not have to make a purchase they weren’t sure about. That kind of resilience flew in the face of all that mattered to me.
Discovering this truth has finally set me free me from the self-doubt and internal heckling that surfaces every time I find myself stuck. Now my quest is to notice that lack of resillience when it shows up and ask myself “What values are at war here? Is this resolvable, or will my values always be pitted against each other if I move forward?” If they will always be at war, the decision to proceed is a resounding “NO” with no regrets. That path is simply not mine.
What areas of your life feel weightless and easy? What areas have you frozen, fleeing or constantly fighting?
Losing your resilience is less about WHAT you are capable of, and more about WHY you are doing that task. You can try to trick your brain on the WHY, but I’m guessing I’m not alone. Your brain is likely smarter than your conscious self. Rather than try to be what you’re not, why not discover who you truly are and work on being more of that?
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Own that. Work that. The world will thank you for the resillience you have when you are doing the work that truly honors your core values.
Want to discover YOUR true core values? Here’s a link to the Values Preference Indicator. Full disclosure – I love the assessment so much I am an official referrer. I receive a very wee amount from your purchase. I think it’s about $2. I hope the assessment helps you to become the strongest, most resilient version of you. Happy discovering!
